quarta-feira, 3 de setembro de 2014

The Perks Of Being A Stinker - HISTÓRIA EM INGLÊS

Ken rose from bed at 10 o'clock with a strong headache and fuzzy memories of the night before - a very strange sensation for him, who isn't a fan of alcoholic beverages. In fact, his whole body felt weird, with heavy legs, skin glands pouring out more sweat than usual and a stench so terrible that it couldn't be natural. However, the young man soon dismissed it all as the results of the full-night gaming/Monthy Python marathon he just had, and went on to change his clothes.
- Darn it, I really need to stop doing this... - He said, sniffing his armpits. - Ugh... And maybe buy a new deodorant, too.
He threw the sleeveless t-shirt and shorts he spent the night on aside and grabbed a new set from his wardrobe, just to find out that they didn't fit him anymore. Every other combination he tried yielded the exact same result! How weird... It's as his feet changed in shape, his legs grew somewhat bulkier and a strange new appendage popped up on his hip. Ken wanted to check out what the hell happened to his lower body - he really did - but his neck was also aching terribly, preventing him from bending it downwards. Forcing his clothes into his body with a loud "rrrriiiip!", the young adult grabbed a snack and a can of soda at the kitchen before slamming his apartment's door open, thus beggining his daily life once again. First stop: the nearest convenience store.
Closing the door, Ken noticed that the potted plants laying around the floor's rather narrow corridor were wilting quickly, as if someone had sprayed a poison in the building's atmosphere. Scratching his greasy head, the youngster made his way to the dusty old elevator, which was surprisingly empty in what was the city's rush hour. Was the world avoiding him? Nah, that's downright silly. Even with his bad habits and lack of a job, he had good relationships with everyone he knew, which earned him the title of the neighborhood's "friendly skunk". When he reached the lowermost floor, he winked and wished a good morning to the porter as he always did, but the usually smiling fellow had an ugly frown on his face that day, as if he didn't recognize his old bud Ken. "Huh", he thought. "He must be in a bad mood."
Coming out of the building, Ken took a breath of the city's stinky, heavily polluted air as if it came from the Himalaiyas, showing the result of years and years spent on an urban envrionment. The skies were gray, the streets loaded with litter and the people rushing to be capitalist lackeys as usual - yeah, it was a nice day. A perfect day to stay home, too! But first, he had to buy stuff on the convenience store at the corner of his street.
- Good morning, everybody! - Ken said, going through the store's automatic door. - How y'all going? I just stopped by to grab my common necessities...
The young man's jolly demeanor made him ignorant to the mean looks he was getting from the other customers. His black-and-white striped fur, putrid scent and long, bushy tail were a rather common sight... but not on someone of his species.
- So... - he said, giving his purchases to the clerk. - I've got a can of mayo, some soda and a deodorant. How much it's gonna cost?
- Deodorant? Hmph! That's not going to work at all for you, pal... - grumbled the clerk.
- What's that?
- Nah, forget about it. It's going to cost you twenty bucks...
- Twenty bucks?! Shoot, man! Can't you lower the price for your old man Ken?
- Nuh-uh. Not for someone like you.
- Darn it...
Ken reluctantly paid for the merchandise, leaving his puny little wallet completely empty and prompting a sudden change of mood. On his way to the closest ATM, he grabbed the attention of someone who in many ways was similar to him, but in other ways was completely different. The slim black-and-white individual started following him after he crossed the alley he was chilling on, interested in the quasi-human's peculiar scent.
"Oh man, not one of those!", Ken thought, looking behind him. "I'd better speed up my pace, or else..."
- He-hey, wait up! - Ken's follower yelled, still a few steps away from him.
Ken sighed deeply and turned around to face his assailant - an average-height, bushy-tailed striped skunk!
- Heheh! Glad to see another 'tinker around these parts o'town! - He said. His sloppy clothing - a black leather jacket over a sleeveless red t-shirt, a pair of worn-out, rugged jeans and some weird sneakers - and odd speech pattern indicated that he was born in and lived on one of the city's many boroughs.
- And by 'tinker you mean?...
- Stinker! Skunk! Y'know, like you 'n me!
- Awwww, c'mon! - Ken said, sniffing his armpits again. - I'm not smelling as bad as a skunk... Am I?
- Oh, y'sure are! You even look like one, too!
- I do?
Ken, utterly confused by what the skunk was assuming about him, decided to turn around and take a gander at himself through the city's river. Holy stinky cheese! The fur, the paws, the muzzle, the tail, the stripes - he definetely became a skunk from head to toe! The shock was so big that, besides doing what any member of his newfound species would do at a moment like that - spray bad-smelling oils everywhere -, the first thing that came to the young mephit's mind was suicide, and well, he did just that by throwing himself into the stream of water right behind him.
- Whoa! Hang in there, dude! - The skunk said, jumping at the notice of Ken's attempt at drowning himself. - You look waaaaaay too young to die!
- But... But I want to! I don't want to be a smelly vermin for my whole life!
- Sheez, man! Lemme help ya...
The "pure-blooded" skunk held Ken's arms tightly, pulling him back to the crosswalk in no time. His breathing was violent, and his look desperate. How the heck did this happen to him, apparently overnight?!
- How... Why... When?...
- Awwww, calm down, bro! Y'seem to be scared of your own reflection!
- B-but I am!
- Huh?
- I swear that last night I was a completely normal human! Just what happened to me, and why?
- Ah, now everything makes sense! - The skunk said, patting Ken's back. - There, there. Y'better get that crazy idea of drowning yourself offa your head... After all, it won't even work if y'try it on dis river!
- It won't?
- Eeeeeyup! We skunks are immune to pollution, y'know - if ya hopped in there, y'would be still be able to breathe for quite some time because of the filth!
- How does that even work?!
- Ahhh, it's one of the many perks of bein' a stinker! Sorry for not introducing mahself - the name's Zillion! 'N yours is?...
- Ken.
- Well then, Ken! Even though I'm a bit busy right now, I'm glad to offah sum help to someone like you! Just follow me!
- Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Zillion adjusted his trusty backpack on his shoulders and went on his way home, with Ken lagging behind, still getting used to the weight of his big, bushy tail. "Okay, I'll get used to it... Someday. I think.", he thought. As the two mephits delved deeper into the city's ghetto, Ken noticed how different a skunk's disposition was from a normal human's. The streets they were walking through was completely covered with litter, holes and deformities of all kinds, the river was filthier than ever, with all kinds of garbage floating on it and sewage - both daily and industrial - being mindlessly pumped on it, and the buildings he saw were rather cramped and run-down. However, the skunks who lived there were rather lively, jogging, dancing, talking and listening to music on the streets. Admittedly, he was beggining to take a fondness for them.
- Well, here we are! - Zillion said, stopping right in front of a building just like all the others from the borough. - This is where mah apartment is. Wanna come in?
- Yeah, for sure!
Zillion, smiling at Ken, opened the building's old wooden door and got his keys, swishing his tail and moving his hips. In fact, the skunk always busted some pretty cool moves as he walked, as if there was a tiny little jukebox playing some groovy tunes inside him and he was following it's beats. He then stopped in front of Room 110, revealing what looked and smelled more like a small dump than anything else as he opened the door. Apparently, this was his apartment. "Man, and I thinking my room was a mess...", Ken thought, trying not to step on anything as he entered the tiny residence. What a cool mess it was, though! Unlike his apartment, who mostly had daily junk laying around, Zillion's had all kinds of neat stuff on the floor - comics, old videogames, even some vinyls!
- Ahhhh! Home, sweet home! - Zillion said, throwing his big backpack on the bedroom's small, uncomfortable-looking bed. The skunk then procceeded to raise his tail and let go the species' characteristic foul spray, as if to mark his territory. Ken, who was highly allergic to strong smells, surprisingly didn't even wince at the putrid scent... In fact, he kind of liked it!
- Cool apartment you've got here. - Ken said, crouching to look at Zillion's stuff.
- Heheh, I'm glad ya like it! I've been living here for three years or so.
- Hmmm, I see...
Ken, already feeling at home in such a mess, decided to lay a bit on what looked like a bed table. Right as he did it, however, thumping electronic beats began to be spat out of it, prompting the newbie skunk to spray and jump away from his resting place. It turns out that it wasn't a bed table, but rather Zillion's custom-built vinyl soundsystem!
- Ack! You young 'uns and your loud demonic music!
- Oh shuddup, grandma! - Zillion said, frantically mashing the soundsystem's buttons.
- I'm s-sorry, Zillion! I really am! I thought it was a bed table, so...
- ...You layed on it? Don't worry, Ken, it also happens aaaaaall the time with me! Now, lemme turn this off...
The pure-blooded skunk finally managed to turn his contraption off after five minutes or so of mashing button combinations, calming down a bit just to get angry at the old lady from upstairs again.
- Are you happy now, eh granneh?! - Zillion said, hanging his head out of the tiny living room's sole window.
- I'll only be happy on the day you darn youngsters stop listening to this evil music from hell and learn to be nice to the seniors!
- Hey! Don't yo DARE talk like this about Detroit Techno! Detroit Techno represents peace, the unification of people and EEEEYOUCH!
- Whoa! Zillion, what happened?!
- Argh! Didja see what that darn hag did? She threw a friggin' flower pot on mah head! A. FRIGGIN'. FLOWER POT! Hnnnngh! Ah so, SO want to spray her right in da face!
- Geez, you really need to simmer down, man...
Ken pulled Zillion away from the window, helping him get some of the ground off his messy white hair. He supressed a laugh at the small pink flower that stood perfectly still over the pure-blooded skunk's head when he noticed his white chest markings, something uncommon among civilized of his species.
- Yeah... I definetely need something cold t'drink!
- That's not what I meant...
Zillion shook his head out of Ken's hands and checked out the apartment's tiny fridge only to find out that there was nothing to drink... again.
- Shoot! Nuffin' in here... - The chest-marked skunk said, slamming his fridge's door. - I really, really need to go grab some stuff on da Skunk's Tail bar...
- Skunk's Tail Bar? Well, I'm not much into alcohol.
- Ah, don't ya worry! It's a pretty nice place. I bet you'll like it!
Smiling, Zillion grabbed his backpack again and opened the apartment's door, swishing his big skunk tail. With a wink, he told Ken to follow him, an order that the ex-human followed with a sigh. After a few minutes of walking through the burrough, a flashy, 80's-style neon sign reading "The Skunk's Tail" popped into the wandering skunks' view, spraying it's red-and-white glow on the small wall it was fixed in. There was a small door with a rather big hole right below it, which Zillion procceeded to knock.
- Who are you? - asked a booming-yet-friendly voice coming from behind the door.
- Ah, stop fooling around, Ricky! Of course y'know who I am - Zillion Shard, your best client! C'mon, open da door fo'me!
- Hmmm... There may be more than one person with this name, y'know. Prove that you're my old bud Zillion, the smelliest skunk in town!
- Oh, you want proof? ah'm gonna give ya some proof!
Angry at Ricky's teasing - of course he knew there was only one Zillion Shard, darn it! -, the city's smelliest skunk raised his tail with his back turned to the door and sprayed it with all his might. "Man, that must really stink... for non-skunks!", Ken thought.
- So, did I make mahself clear now, Ricky?
- Hmmmm... Come on in, fella. And please, don't call me Ricky...
- Awoooooo! Ken, come on in!
Zillion jumped into the bar, and Ken would follow him if the door wasn't slammed on his face, preventing his entrance.
- H-hey! What's up with this?! - the ex-human said, surprised.
- Sorry, bud, but you can't enter until you prove skunk-hood...
- Prove my...? Oh, no. You don't mean I actually have to...
- Yeah, I do. If you wanna go in, you gotta do it. Security measures, y'see.
- Oh man. This is the first time I do it intentionally, so I hope it's successful...
Ken sighed, turned his back to the bar's door, raised his big fluffy tail and sprayed, feeling the warm, bubbling amber chemicals go from his lower insides to his butt to be finally expelled in a fetid shower. He then fell to the ground, on fours, breathing heavily. He never tought spraying would be so tiring, especially since he sees skunks do it all the time!
- H-hey, bud! You can come on in now... - Ricky said, going out and grabbing Ken's mostly limp body by the arms.
- Darn it, Richard! Darn it! Can't you see he's a newbie? He's not used to this kinda stuff!
- Yeah, I can see by his face now... There's some definetely human traces on him. I'm sorry, Zilly. I should paid more attention...
- Nah, don't worry 'bout it! Just grab him a chair next to mine...
Richard nodded, grabbing a chair on the small bar's center table for the novice skunk to sit on, letting his weak body lay on it. The place wasn't as flashy as the entrance sign suggested it to be, instead being an almost cavernous locale with its tables, counter and stools being carved in stone and a small door leading to what was probably a pantry/freezer. What made it different from other estabilishments of its kind was the horrid smell of skunk that reigned over the atmosphere, with the few windows it had shut to keep the scent inside.
- You didn't need to spray so much back there, y'know. - Zillion said, sitting next to Ken with two bottles of beer in hand.
- It's that... I couldn't control it...
- Nah, don't worry! It happened quite a few times with me, too. - The skunk opened one of the bottles for himself and gives the other to Ken. - C'mon, drink some!
- Beer?
- Yeah, the best in town - double bock! I bet it'll make ya feel better!
- Well, if you say so...
Ken reluctantly opened his bottle, giving the amber liquid inside a sniff before procceeding to drink it. He had some bad experiences with alcohol before, promising himself that he would never drink any of the stuff again after the most recent one, but boy... This one was irresistible! A cold, delicious amber liquid gently going down his throat, freshening it - he really needed that after that crazy day!
- This is... This is!...
- Delicious, ain't it? Really ups tha mood!
- Yeah! I've drank a lot of beer before, but none ever tasted so good!
- Heheh. Your taste must be already a stinker's, then - they're fine-tuned to booze, y'know.
- Really?! Man, how could all of my body change so much on a single night?
- Waitwaitwait. Y'mean you went from human to full-on skunk... on a single night?
- Well, in a night and two hours... I think I went through RT - Representative Transformation. Have you ever heard of it?
- Yup, but I never cared enough.
- Yeah, me neither - and now look how I am!
- Boy! For all of this to happen on such a short span 'o time, your room and living habits must be really innapropriate for a human!
- What?! So you say you brought a HUMAN here?!
Another skunk - one that Ken and Zillion didn't see - suddenly rose from his chair on the northwestern edge of the bar, walking up to Zillion and grabbing him by the nape of his loose t-shirt. With the agressor's tall, muscular build looming over him, holding his friend defenseless, Ken felt weak. Of course he, being a skunk, could spray that bully down from head to toe, but he was also a skunk! That would be useless!
- Wh-whoa, dude! Calm down! - Zillion said, trying to find a way to escape the brute's grasp and pointing to Ken. - He went through a transformation! C-can't ya see he's one of us now?
- One of us?! He may have the appearance and the scent of a Mephitis mephitis, but he still has human blood running through him!
- Ummm... Zillion? M-maybe it's better for me to leave...
- Nah, stay here! I'm gonna find a way to make this chump leave us alone!
- I-if you say so...
Ken sat down to watch the discussion, holding his urge to spray aback as much as he could. Even though Zillion tried to hide his fear of the oppressor with a goofy grin and his usual urbanspeak, the excessive sweat and poofed-up tail made it quite apparent. A skunky crowd urging for a bar brawl was quickly forming around the confusion. The muscle-mephit's grip on the jacket-clad skunk's neck kept getting stronger and stronger... "I have to get out of here right now!"
Ken bursted through the striped, bushy-tailed crowd, pushing away anyone that got in his way. Upon getting out of the building, he sat down, crying, noticing the "FOR PURE-BLOODED SKUNKS ONLY!" sign planted in it's only visible wall. How could he do that? His own bad habits, racism and lack of attention may have killed Zillion, his only true friend! He could hear the violence going on inside through the bar's thick stone walls, with more and more people of his kin joining from outside. "Why are they beating up Zillion if I am the cause of all this mess?", he asked himself. Taking his share of responsability, the skunk wiped the tears out of his face and got ready to go into the bar once again, being interrupted by a familiar hand on his right shoulder.
- Where do you think you're going, stinker?
- Z-Zillion!
The two skunks locked themselves into a strong embrace, happy to see each other again after that brief moment of tension that seemed to last forever. Although Ken was fine, Zillion had a black eye and a swollen cheek - traces of a very violent bar brawl.
- Zillion, your... Your...
- Ah, y'mean this? It's nuffin' to write home about, really. - the skunk said, trying to hide his face. - It just happens that that crude dude was punch-drunk, just as ah thought. Soon after y'left, he jumped over me, getting all the people around us into tha fight too! Thankfully Ricky helped me out by leading me to tha back door. I really owe one to that guy!
- And I owe one to you, man!
- Y'do?
- Of course I do! If it wasn't for you, I'd be seriously depressed or even dead once I discovered what happened to me! Meeting you, Richard and all the people who live around here has broadened my vision on what's good on life, and now I feel like I was always meant to be a skunk!
- Y'know, many people feel like you do, so be happy to know that you're part of a community, with people like me and Ricky always happy to help dudes like you!
- Awww, Zillion...
Ken gave Zillion a big, painful bear hug, but the pure-blooded skunk didn't do anything to prevent it - he knew Ken was a friend and didn't mean to hurt him.
- So, when will we meet again?
- Ah, I dunno. It's kinda late now, so I hafta go home...
- Yeah, you're right. So... Until next time, then?
- Yup.
With a handshake, Zillion left Ken alone in the ghetto. Even though it was the first time the newbie skunk visited that specific part of town, he felt as it was his true home and that he always belonged there. Following the quickest route to downtown and grabbing some much-needed money from an ATM on the way, he got home at 10 PM, surprisingly not sleepy. He was very happy, as he could see a bright future for him, what with the perks of being a stinker.

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